In these times …. HOW SHALL WE BE?

Before looking at how we shall be, here’s that ubiquitous question:  “How are you?” In response to the usual automatic “fine,” I have begun to ask, “But how are you really?’”  That invitation to be real I believe lies at the heart of an important way we can be in these times.

How we are is complicated, given that specific emotions exist in a swirl of complex feelings that our bodies and brains experience in the course of these days...

So, how to answer?

Even before we were in this current mess, we were programmed to avoid real encounters, to mask our vulnerability, to stay protected. In short, to be “not real.”  Especially among groups that carry privilege, everyday casual encounters carry expectations of positivity, which can make life seem pleasant, but which are carried out with emotional distance and a dose of unreality. This unreality undergirds a society rampant with injustice. James Baldwin, in “Notes of a Native Son” (1955), writes “Americans, unhappily, have the most remarkable ability to alchemize all bitter truths into an innocuous but piquant confection.” In a 1962 essay, he further confronted us with this: “Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.”  

In this time of unprecedented disruption, uncertainty, and the rapid march toward dictatorship, what we desperately need is to be real and to find connection and support – support for facing the truth of what is happening, support for feeling what we are feeling, support for discerning what we are up against, and support for summoning the courage to take bold action.

Mutual support is the last thing autocrats want us to have.  As has always been the case, despots want to keep us separated as individuals, so we feel powerless and isolated.  They also scheme to keep us separated as groups so that we blame the “other” targeted group or groups for our troubles, rather than uniting in solidarity to resist what they are doing to us. And society’s major focus on getting and winning, a perspective that existed long before its current grotesque manifestations, supports our separation.  

Pachamama leaders, Buddhists, philosophers, and psychologists lament this separation as a dominant feature of our developed world. Separation from one another, and separation from nature, ultimately means separation from ourselves. And conversely, when we are not in touch with our deeper selves, we have less “juice” to make deep relationships with others and with nature. 

Wide-ranging and supportive relationships are the antithesis of the separation that serves the tyrants.  Without them, it’s hard to climb out of the swamp. We tend to fall into numbness as a protective reaction to pain — one we probably adopted very early in life, when we were powerless to respond to whatever hurt our little bodies and souls experienced. 

The current massive assault on everything that has held our society together can bring us back to the feelings of fear, disorientation and broken heartedness we felt as children. Those feelings from childhood surface without our realizing where they come from. We may simply numb out.  And we may forget that, unlike those little ones, we are not powerless now.

At a time like this, un-numbing can be especially challenging. Underneath the numbness, we are horrified, terrified, enraged and traumatized.  Kazu Haga, author of "Fierce Vulnerability", has said that it is imperative that we learn more about how trauma works so we can learn strategies to address it in our own lives, in movement spaces, and in society.

Being in groups where people feel safe enough to express their pain can feel like a lifesaver. Might these challenging days be a time to check in with a trusted friend, and even make a plan to share these difficult feelings? Our Pachamama Alliance frequently offers programs that provide just such safe opportunities.

For many of us it’s easier to offer help than to reach out and ask for it. Sometimes we simply have to open our eyes to see that there are others around us who are willing, who are trying to help us. In our world, there are people who will listen, and to whom you will listen. It might not require effort; it might just happen. 

In a country where independence is touted more than interdependence, the value of vulnerability can be lost.  How appealing - and reassuring –when a strong leader shows evidence of humanness that we can relate to. One thinks of Pope Leo quietly shedding tears at his installation.  The rabbis taught:  “The only heart that is whole is the heart that is broken.”  Acknowledging our vulnerability opens our hearts to acting with more decency and kindness. As we recognize that we are all in the same leaky boat, real strength can find its way. Vulnerability in the context of loving relationships and shared goals creates a deep sense of beloved community – a powerful antidote to the pain of our times. What might be unleashed if we embrace this paradoxical power of vulnerability?

To change things, of course we must act. What if we decide to take one courageous action step each day –write something, speak out, make a call to public officials, start a conversation with a neighbor, gather people to resist? Connect with an organization like Indivisible or Rogan’s List that will regularly offer easy opportunities to take action.  The possibilities are endless, and can feel daunting, but taking even one action a day will matter, and will feel good. We must give up feeling bad about all we cannot do. According to the wisdom of the Pirkei Avot (Ethics of our Fathers) “You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to desist from it (2:21) 

In the face of speech or acts that raise our hackles, we can choose from the metaphor of two-hands. They both require courage.  The first, raising one hand with a fierce yet calm resolve that signals “STOP,” or, alternatively, offering an open hand that signals a willingness to listen and to see the other’s point of view and humanity.

There are times to say “stop” to someone who is hurting another, to write letters to companies objecting to their policies, to call legislators to demand they vote against egregious laws, to stand up in the public sphere to express opposition to tyranny and oppression, or, to participate in civil disobedience. 

A different kind of courage requires listening without judgement or interruption and attempting good faith to understand just where the person who seems so different is coming from.  If we’re lucky, we can look for and find common ground as we share our vulnerability and our pain. In the very best case, this open-handed approach can widen our circle of understanding, and we will find that there is no “us and them;” there is only us. 

There is also the power in everyday kindness, compassion, caring, and honesty. When someone lets us in line at the grocery store, a neighbor brings in a package, a car stops so we can enter a crowded roadway, if we notice, it warms our hearts. These moments of human thoughtfulness deserve to be noticed. We know how contagious positive – or negative – energy can be. I don’t think it’s too far a stretch to say our acts of compassion set off positive vibrations in our bodies and these reverberate in the world. What if we consider every kind act we initiate, and every time we take notice of another’s kindness, as acts of resistance to the world’s cruelty?

Bearing in mind all of these ways we form community and work for peace, the most important and revolutionary skill in building relationships is a very simple thing — easier to say than to practice. It is listening. Genuine interest in another person, including how they are feeling, can be powerful. When people feel seen, they feel a sense of connection and relief. We can bring that dynamic into our everyday lives. Zoom break-out rooms gave us new opportunities to practice this kind of useful interaction. We took turns listening, there were no interruptions and most importantly, no judging. 

What if our call at this time is to bring into all our relationships the very qualities (empathy, compassion forgiveness, justice, and love) that we lament as missing in our country right now? 

In addition to all of the above, it is absolutely crucial that we regularly put moments of joy into our lives!!! Making time for fun, noticing what gives us pleasure, and regularly practicing gratitude keep us grounded in what makes life meaningful. These give us fuel for our resistance and point us in the direction of the “more beautiful world our hearts know is possible,” as Charles Eisenstein teaches.

There is yet another kind of courage — beyond seeking connection and healing, and beyond finding ways to take action — that will give strength and meaning to all of it. The philosophers and psychologists remind us: beyond, before, and after the doing is being.  At times, it is essential for our well-being, and perhaps the well-being of the world, to have the courage to let it all go, to give in to the unknown, to the mystery, to the magnificence of creation, to transcendent beauty in any form – to the oneness. While this seems to contradict the urgency of the situation, it is necessary for nourishment, for sustaining energy, for accessing our deeper wisdom. It can tap into the larger healing at work in the world. 

At Temple Sinai, after a recent talk by a professor about the media’s treatment of politics, Rabbi Or Zohar pointed out the window to the woods, and with just a touch of irony, advised, “If you want to find truth, turn off all the media, go out there, and listen to the trees.”  His wisdom resonates with Kazu Haga’s:  “The more I sit in silence, the more I spend time in nature, the more I learn to cry and be vulnerable, the more I get a sense of which direction to move toward. Of how and where to act.” 

This brings us full circle to our question: HOW SHALL WE BE?

At a recent PARA (Pachamama Alliance/ Rochester Area) meeting, we asked the group how they would answer. Among the gems people responded with was Brad Grisley’s:

Now the time comes to make a decision: This is the life I choose – to not simply check off tasks but to be truly connected to others. And to be courageous, bold and to stand up with and for others. And I know that courage is contagious. That if one person, one company refuses to concede, then others may follow. Above all, I can choose to be kind. To be the person who tells others, you are not alone.

I invite you to reflect and answer for yourself: How Shall You Be?